Walker's Wheelhouse

Blog of writer and comedian Sarah Walker. This is her Wheelhouse.

Letter To McSweeney’s Quarterly Issue #35

Dear Mcsweeney’s,

Sometimes writing a letter is simply an exercise in getting your thoughts and feelings out on paper, but you should never send it because what you’ve expressed might hurt some people. Maybe even a lot of people. Maybe what you have to say should have been said seven years ago. But is it ever too late to say what you feel? Probably, but not in this case. So here it goes.

I think that Love, Actually is a terrible movie.

Boom.

Let that sink in.

If you, like everyone I’ve ever met, love the movie, or acknowledge a certain amount of guilty pleasure in enjoying it, there is little I can do to convince you of its terribleness. That Hugh Grant is so charming, after all. And the kids are so cute. A British kid in a lobster costume? Please. I mean, some might call that pandering, and some would say Who cares. That’s not my point.

Let me just focus on one of the storylines. It involves Keira Knightley, who plays a newly married woman who has absolutely no clue that her husband’s best friend is in love with her (because he’s just so mean!) until she watches the wedding video he made for them wherein the camera lovingly caresses her face (“I look quite pretty!”).

He then visits her at home, confident that her husband/his best friend won’t answer the door, puts on a tape of carol singers (that would fool anyone—just kidding, it sounds like a professional recording, because that’s what it is), and tells her with cue-card signs that he’s in love with her. He says (via cue card) that he’s telling her this because people tell the truth on Christmas (do they? I thought we said whatever we had to in order to avoid a crazy family meltdown). He then strolls back into the night, after having kissed her, satisfied that he can continue his relationship with his best friend after declaring his secret love for his best friend’s wife, who now knows that he’s in love with her! Even though he tells himself it’s over! (yeah, right, buddy. Good luck with that.)

Ugh.

Thanks for listening.

Sincerely,

Sarah Walker

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