Walker's Wheelhouse

Here’s a new Drunk Girl/High Guy on Funny or Die!! Here, we go to The Bodies Exhibit in South Street Seaport. Wheelhouse Extra: In this entry I openly solicit professional soccer player for the Seattle Sounders Jeff Parke to be my boyfriend. Although this is admittedly a suuuuuuuuper creepy move, it’s obviously a joke but also not really as he’s insanely good looking. I do not follow the MLS, nor do I live in Seattle, but I know who he is because my friend used to date one of his teammates when he played for the Red Bulls. One day we were looking at the roster and I was like, “Hold the fucking phone, let’s hang out with Jeff Parke.” We never did, and my friend and her boyfriend broke up. Cut to me weirdly calling him out on Funny or Die. Classic boy meets girl. I know this doesn’t NOT sound weird. HOWEVER, it’s not like Mr. Parke doesn’t have a sense of humor, SPECIFICALLY about dating, since he shot this with the Seattle Sounders (he was probably made to and may or may not regret doing it, but whatever). Point being, good looking or no, his dog’s name is PAIN MACHINE. So I stand by original words: Jeff Parke, TEXT ME.