Walker's Wheelhouse

Blog of writer and comedian Sarah Walker. This is her Wheelhouse.

"Forget the Flowers" by Wilco

Lens Crafters Rant

I stayed over at my boyfriend TJ’s house in Santa Monica this weekend and on Sunday my left contact split in half. So, instead of driving the thirty minutes home on the freeway to Silver Lake with one eye shut, I had TJ drive me to Lens Crafters, where I’m a long time customer, so I could get a single disposable contact. 

I get to the Lens Crafters and explain to the nice man behind the desk my situation. He looks up my file on the computer and says, “Oh, it says here that you’re not allowed any more free samples.” I’m like, “What?” And he read, “Customer has already had one box of samples, she is not allowed any more.” Now, if you’re not a Lens Crafters customer, this is what happens. When you go in to order more contacts they give you a row of contacts to hold you over while your order comes in.  And a “box” in this case would be five disposable contacts for each eye. I went in about a month ago to re-order my contacts and they wouldn’t do it for me until I got my eyes re-checked because my prescription had expired ONE WEEK AGO. It’s like one hundred and fifty dollars to do another exam. So I asked if we could just overlook that it had expired a week ago and I could get my lenses. They said no dice. I was like, “But I can’t.” And they were all, “You don’t have time?” And I was like, “No, I’m poor.” And they sniffed and said, “That is NOT a valid reason.” So I had to come back three days later because I didn’t want to wait in the fucking Glendale mall for two hours to see the doctor, get a fucking eye exam for $150 dollars, then order new contacts. So obviously they had to give me samples to tide me over. 

SO LENS CRAFTERS PUT INTO THEIR SYSTEM SOMETHING THAT IMPLIES THAT I AM A FREE CONTACT LENSES GRIFTER AND/OR TINY SAMPLES OF SALINE ADDICT BECAUSE THEY WOULDN’T FUCKING FILL MY ORDER RIGHT AWAY AND AM SUSPICIOUS OF ME BECAUSE I SAID I WAS POOR EVEN THOUGH I PONIED UP THE GODDAMN 300 HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR THE CONTACTS (AS I HAVE FOR TEN YEARS) PLUS THE FEE FOR THE FUCKING DOCTORS EXAM THAT I DDIN’T WANT. FUCK YOU, LENS CRAFTERS. 

Cool story. Sorry, I just get super annoyed by INJUSTICE and being BESMIRCHED by SLANDER on a company’s internal computer system. I wish Anonymous would hack in and change my Lens Crafters record to “Gets as many free contact samples as she wants.”

World’s Ugliest Dog Winner!

"Bicycle Race" by Queen. Lot of naked chicks on bikes in this one, NSFW

"Ballad of the Golden Bird" by Magic Castles. Hella chill.

Email I Got From Barack Obama

Barack Obama <info@barackobama.com>
9:12 AM (6 minutes ago)
Sarah —


I keep a to-do list in my desk.

It’s ambitious, but you and I didn’t set out to do easy things. Here is today’s list:

1. Make pancakes

2. Clean room

3. Pay gas bill

4. Go to grocery store (pancake mix)

5. Wash dishes (pancake bowl)

6. Take a run (45 minutes to work off pancakes)

7. Make some calls

8. Host pancake dinner

No president can do it alone.

Say you’re in:

http://my.barackobama.com/Are-You-In

There’s a lot of work to do — thanks for doing your part.

Barack

"Call to Be" by Dana Buoy

"The Ship Song" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds