I’m in the Cookie of the Month Club. I’m not bragging. I didn’t decide to join it myself because I’m a lady of leisure with extra income to spend on cruise rides and decadent baked goods that come to my very door. It was a gift. From a famous person with thousands of dollars to spare you ask? Surprisingly, no. It was a Christmas present from a regular person with a normal job. So maybe you should think about what kind of gifts you give to your friends and if they’re up to snuff.
Listen, this isn’t about a guilt trip about your sub par gift giving or my exclusive membership to a club that you aren’t in. I simply want to write a review of the cookies each month. January has come and gone and the cookies were good. I believe they were regular chocolate chip and chocolate chocolate chip, but I can’t recall them specifically because I’m not some memory genius and I live in a hectic workaday world. So I’ll begin my reviews with February’s cookies.
Type of Cookie: Peanut Butter
Texture: Crumbly and a little hard, which isn’t my speed but I know some people enjoy that.
Taste: Peanut buttery with a hint of salt.
Overall impressions: I won’t kick any cookie out of bed, but I prefer a softer texture with less salty after taste.
I stayed over at my boyfriend TJ’s house in Santa Monica this weekend and on Sunday my left contact split in half. So, instead of driving the thirty minutes home on the freeway to Silver Lake with one eye shut, I had TJ drive me to Lens Crafters, where I’m a long time customer, so I could get a single disposable contact.
I get to the Lens Crafters and explain to the nice man behind the desk my situation. He looks up my file on the computer and says, “Oh, it says here that you’re not allowed any more free samples.” I’m like, “What?” And he read, “Customer has already had one box of samples, she is not allowed any more.” Now, if you’re not a Lens Crafters customer, this is what happens. When you go in to order more contacts they give you a row of contacts to hold you over while your order comes in. And a “box” in this case would be five disposable contacts for each eye. I went in about a month ago to re-order my contacts and they wouldn’t do it for me until I got my eyes re-checked because my prescription had expired ONE WEEK AGO. It’s like one hundred and fifty dollars to do another exam. So I asked if we could just overlook that it had expired a week ago and I could get my lenses. They said no dice. I was like, “But I can’t.” And they were all, “You don’t have time?” And I was like, “No, I’m poor.” And they sniffed and said, “That is NOT a valid reason.” So I had to come back three days later because I didn’t want to wait in the fucking Glendale mall for two hours to see the doctor, get a fucking eye exam for $150 dollars, then order new contacts. So obviously they had to give me samples to tide me over.
SO LENS CRAFTERS PUT INTO THEIR SYSTEM SOMETHING THAT IMPLIES THAT I AM A FREE CONTACT LENSES GRIFTER AND/OR TINY SAMPLES OF SALINE ADDICT BECAUSE THEY WOULDN’T FUCKING FILL MY ORDER RIGHT AWAY AND AM SUSPICIOUS OF ME BECAUSE I SAID I WAS POOR EVEN THOUGH I PONIED UP THE GODDAMN 300 HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR THE CONTACTS (AS I HAVE FOR TEN YEARS) PLUS THE FEE FOR THE FUCKING DOCTORS EXAM THAT I DDIN’T WANT. FUCK YOU, LENS CRAFTERS.
Cool story. Sorry, I just get super annoyed by INJUSTICE and being BESMIRCHED by SLANDER on a company’s internal computer system. I wish Anonymous would hack in and change my Lens Crafters record to “Gets as many free contact samples as she wants.”